Your Survival Guide for a Tricky Teacher and Principal Relationship

We’ve spent our fair share of time in the principal’s office since becoming teachers. High school Kate and Steph would be horrified, but as adults, we’ve come to appreciate (sort of) the practice of standing up for what we believe in even if that means it lands us in the principal’s office.

Some of these meetings were fairly friendly while others were downright uncomfortable (we especially enjoyed the one where our principal didn’t want to enforce our plagiarism referrals because “his son does that”).

As much as we all want a positive teacher and principal relationship (and this is certainly possible), we came to realize that having a challenging relationship isn’t always a bad thing. As teachers, we’re focused on our individual students and our subject area; our principals are focused on schoolwide and district-level goals. These focuses don’t always overlap, and learning to work out our differences is an important part of growing as individuals and professionals (and deciding what’s actually best for our students).

But sometimes a “challenging” teacher and principal relationship becomes downright negative, and when this happens, it can really make your day-to-day teaching experience miserable.

If your challenging relationship is veering toward negative, we’ve got some suggestions to help you navigate these waters.

9 Tips for Managing a Tricky Teacher and Principal Relationship

Document everything.

In the early stages of a tricky teacher and principal relationship, this may not be your first thought. Perhaps you went to check your mail and the principal summoned you to step inside their office; maybe your principal merely made a passing comment at a staff meeting, and you didn’t think anything of it.

But if you’re having regular issues with your principal, start creating a paper trail.

Communicate about the issue via email so you have a record of who said what. We’ve seen the teacher and principal relationship go wrong in a variety of ways, and it can be to your benefit to have a record of your interactions.

Don’t be afraid to get your union involved.

We’re lucky to have worked in a district with a strong union, which we recognize isn’t the case for everyone. If you work at a public school, get your union involved as soon as you feel like your work is being called into question or you’re being asked to do something you feel is unethical or goes against your contract.

Teaching is a job where we’re frequently asked to do more and more “for the kids,” and this is exactly why teachers’ unions exist. Don’t be afraid to utilize yours, even if it’s just cc-ing them on emails to ensure tricky situations are navigated appropriately and fairly.

Keep your mouth shut but your eyes and ears open.

High school campuses are rife with gossip, and not just among students. It’s always a good idea to think twice (or three or four times) about what you say on a high school campus, but this is especially important when you’re interacting with your principal.

Remember that as friendly as your principal might seem, they are still your boss and your colleagues’ boss: what seems like harmless gossip can end up causing real trouble. But also be cautious about what you say about your principal to other teachers. You never know who’s in the principal’s ear, and you’ll make things worse if you vent your frustrations to the wrong person.

At the same time, keep your eyes and ears open. Navigating a difficult relationship with your principal can be painful and isolating. When you think you’re the only one having trouble, it raises all kinds of insecurities and anxieties about your teaching ability, professional judgment, and future at the school.

But in our experience, we’re usually not the only ones struggling with a tricky relationship. It was an enormous relief for us during the pandemic (an especially isolating situation) to learn we weren’t the only teachers protesting a specific grading policy. Sometimes it helps to navigate the situation as a team; other times, it’s just nice to know you’re not alone (or to help make someone else feel less alone).

Have a rationale for what you do.

We’ve learned that while everyone on a school campus wants what’s best for kids, we can have drastically different (and even opposing) ideas about what that looks like in practice. This means disagreement is, at some point, inevitable, and you’ll likely have to engage in a conversation with the principal about it.

We’ve found that when we can demonstrate we’ve really put thought into what we do and can articulate the reasons behind our decisions (yet another benefit of having these conversations via email if, like us, you express yourself more clearly in writing), our difficult conversations with the principal tend to go better.

Often, the principal sees our rationale and supports us; other times, we may agree to disagree but it’s typically done with more respect on both sides.

The longer we taught, the more thought we put into our decisions, which helped us feel confident in standing up for them. And we could also more clearly recognize when we were willing to give in: if we didn’t have a strong rationale for a decision, we probably didn’t care as much about it and could compromise for the sake of maintaining a positive relationship with our principal.

Explain your rationale calmly and ask directly for a solution.

When your principal questions you, whether it’s about your teaching, classroom management, grading, or anything else, start by calmly explaining your rationale.

It’s easy to get defensive in these situations, but that’s not going to help anyone improve the situation, and you don’t want to be labeled as a “difficult” teacher, a label that tends to stick, often unfairly.

Once you’ve explained your thought process, you may find that’s all you needed to do to defuse the situation. We’ve (thankfully) had many instances where the principal was willing to back us up once they understood why we were doing things a certain way.

Even if the principal isn’t willing to back you up, it opens a dialogue about the best way to handle the situation. You’ve explained what the issue is from your perspective, and now you can ask the principal how they would like you to approach it.

By asking the principal what they want, you sometimes force them to realize they don’t have a better solution, and you gain their support. When they are able to articulate what they want out of the situation, it’s easier for you to have a conversation that leads to a compromise everyone can feel good about.

Decide which battles really matter and let some other things go.

As much as we often feel like the kings and queens of our own little kingdoms when we close the doors to our classrooms, we are, in fact, part of a larger team. This means we can’t get our way on everything, and when we insist on doing so, we, once again, gain a reputation for being difficult.

Decide which battles really matter to you, and be willing to take those battles on, especially if you believe what you are doing is in the best interest of students. Every team needs people to stand up for what they think is right, even when it leads to awkward and uncomfortable disagreements.

However, you’re more likely to be taken seriously if you don’t try to fight all the battles. You’ll have to let a lot of things that annoy you or that you disagree with slide. Try not to focus on those things too much (easier said than done, we know), or this principal’s tenure will feel like it lasts a lifetime.

Remember that principals move more often than teachers.

Principals rarely stay at a single school site as long as teachers do. Sometimes the district shuffles principals and other administrators. Sometimes principals have their own ambitions and move on to another district or higher position. Sometimes principals retire.

Remembering this can give you perspective and hope. This principal is likely not going to be with you forever. Sure, you want to maintain a good working relationship while they’re with you, but they are likely to move on.

This is also important to remember because it means you’re better off prioritizing your relationships with other teachers and counselors, who are far less likely to move on. When navigating contentious situations, it’s to your benefit to make sure you’re not throwing other teachers under the bus or giving yourself a reputation as impossible to work with: in the long run, your life will be easier if you have the other teachers and counselors on your side.

Make a good faith effort to do something helpful, friendly, or productive.

We’ve also found it helpful to go out of our way to support the principal on occasion.

One of the reasons we switched to a collaborative Back to School Night was that our principal encouraged staff to try new things. We’ve volunteered for committees and events when we felt strongly about an issue or knew we had been the source of opposition on more than a few key issues. Sometimes, we’ve even just given in and done what the principal wanted when it wasn’t a hill we wanted to die on.

When you’re willing to take the hit once in a while, you’re more likely to preserve a positive working relationship with your principal, even if you don’t always agree on things. You’re likely to maintain their respect even in those disagreements, and you’re more likely to win a few battles when the principal sees that you’re not always a thorn in their side.

Know when to let go.

Sometimes, however, you have to give up the fight, especially when it is causing you personal harm.

We battled over the appropriate level of rigor in AP English Literature for years. Students frequently complained that the class was too hard, and counselors and administrators often wanted us to hand out more As. We spent years processing those complaints, trying to figure out where we were being too harsh and where we believed strongly in what we were doing. Yes, we wanted students to enjoy the course and succeed, but we also couldn’t, in good faith, tell colleges they were doing college-level work when they weren’t.

But in the years just before and during the pandemic, the conflict started to affect us on a personal level. We were exhausted, anxious, and stressed out all the time. We were dealing with student rebellions and contentious emails. We had multiple Zoom meetings to discuss the situation with the principal. We weren’t able to let it go during our off hours.

It was clear that we had compromised as much as we were willing to but that it wasn’t enough for our students or our administrators, so we decided to step down from teaching AP Lit. It wasn’t an easy decision and it didn’t solve everything, but it was time to acknowledge that the situation wasn’t working and it was better for us, in the long run, to stop fighting.

Conclusion

None of us like conflict (and if we do, that’s a whole other issue). Sometimes, however, it’s necessary because we need to stand up for what we think is right; other times it’s inevitable just because we all have our own opinions about the best way to do things. But when the teacher and principal relationship is full of conflict, it can add stress we don’t need to an already difficult job. Plenty of people have something to say about how our jobs should be done, but it’s our principals who often have the most direct impact on our day-to-day teaching experiences, so our relationship with them is one worth working on.

Looking for more friendly advice on all the dilemmas you face on a daily basis? Listen to our podcast, Answers May Vary, where we try to come up with workable solutions you can put into place to start improving your teaching life today. If you have a dilemma you’d like to talk to us about or you’d like to hear us talk about, reach out to hello@threeheads.works on DM us on Instagram @threeheads.works.